I forgot to post this - seems unfinished, but maybe it’ll tide you over till I finish the travel compilations 🙃
Music:
1:50 - 3:18
Sewn my darkness through my thread
All that shit’s just going to be in my head
Come all the way to take it in my soul
I’ve been dancing just the way I’ve been told
And Grace, I’ll show my face
And as I grow wings, I’ll set you free
You can leave, it won’t bother me
“All Again” - Charles Wesley Goodwin
For some reason, I imagine my dad presenting this song to my mom. Even though they didn’t know each other when they were young, he’s dead, they don’t technically have time, and neither necessarily likes country music. Something in the sentiment “I’d do it all again” and “when I’m with you, I pity all the kings of the world” fits.
The imperfectness of their situation, finding each other later in life after unhealthy previous marriages, working so hard, and him getting sick all too soon. My mother was his muse, and it was clear that he waited his whole life to find her. Once he did, he never stopped being obsessed with her in the most endearing way possible. And they were “in love ‘till the end”.
My mom had me edit his obituary from “they were madly in love for the rest of his life” to “for the rest of their lives.”and respective song playlist
Media:
The Office
I’ve never been that attached to The Office, at least not that I recognized. If I’m being honest, I did softly judge people who make it a personality trait. Okay, I admitted it. But only very, very softly.
While in the final round of sharing circle of my 5-day silent retreat, one of my peers said he was looking forward to watching The Office. A little, silent, and very soft judgment appeared. “Huh, wouldn’t have picked that myself, okay”.
Upon returning home, I desperately wanted to watch TV or a movie. While I thrived in the “nothing to do but still or be mindful” atmosphere of retreat, everything I’d been avoiding at home was eerily present when I came back. I wanted to sink into the couch and mindfully check out.
I made a rule (I thrived on creating rules for myself on retreat) that I could watch something only if what to watch came to me during meditation.
First came The Notebook. Nope. Not gonna happen. The next day came The Office. Alright more, tolerable than the definite cry fest of The Notebook.
I’m finding watching The Office easy, comforting, and still funny, save for a few cringe worthy gags. I’m also remembering I have watched it for comfort in the past. Casually with my parents when it came out, often happening in the background of our lives. Or while on a bad trip in college I turned it to help ground me or distract me back into this reality. Also so my mom wouldn’t ask me too many questions about why I was at their home, awake, watching TV on their black leather couch at 6 AM when I should have been in my dorm room. “I had a bad dream and couldn’t sleep” was all I had to say, and it wasn’t exactly a lie. It was effective both for no follow-ups and to help me out of the trip.Temptation Island
Experiences:
“Getting Tempted”
Me and my temporary roommate giggling on the couch and analyzing the relational dynamics of the Temptation Island participants until far too late into the evening. The season on Netflix so far has been the best we’ve watched. A little bit of drama but nothing like the Peacock Season 2… Come for the drama and hot people and stay for Mark(y) Walberg’s commentary and therapeutic guidance. My best friend, who’s a therapist, wondered if HE was a therapist… no, just Antique Roadshow’s host who was “struck by lightning” falling in love with his love wife many years ago.
Riding my post-retreat high and meditating every day, often multiple times a day.
The ritual lighting a candle, my trapest monk specialty made incense, and using photographs to help corral my experience.
I’ve been practicing TWIM loving kindness meditation, and a branch of forgiveness. Often, if I get stuck during the loving kindness practice, I will switch to forgiveness.
I start by mentally repeating “I forgive myself for what I didn’t understand” until a memory pops in. I repeat the phrase until the memory feels cleared… At first, the memory will feel very evocative and filled with shame or grief or regret. I’ll have a charge in my chest or sinking in my pelvis, or I’ll look away.
”I forgive myself for what I didn’t understand” until the phrase changes itself into something more specific, “I forgive myself for hurting you to protect me,” etc. Through the practice, I allow myself to finally feel the hurt, the suffering that caused my behavior in the first place. A swell of too big to name but not to big to experience emotion comes up and out through tears.
I can also practice from a different perspective. “I forgive you for what you didn’t understand”… “I forgive you for hurting me to protect yourself”
Food:
Earl Grey with 1/2 and 1/2 each morning. This should have been on every list.
wishing I could drink a second cup of tea
Specialty *INDULGENT* Greek Honey Vanilla Yogurt with cinnamon raisin granola, both from Aldi, in my low mug made by my friend Jes.
Emotional body:
heart wide open with barely any skin (post retreat)
heartbreak or shock when I act with an open heart to unavailable people, and therefore they are protective against it
recoil of my heart, shielded back up
reservoir of equanimity
Despite the above I remained equanimous and relatively undisturbed thanks to the reservoir of equanimity I found on retreat. I was able to see people who’d hurt me, hurt me again, and feel mostly blasé. Not rehashing the conversation in my mind, not wishing to hurt them back by even saying they’d hurt me, really responding with “alright, that’s fine”.
The near enemy of equanimity is indifference, so I am keeping an eye on this. However, it does feel healthy for me currently, so I’m calling it equanimity.
jealousy
Mental body:
gradual increase in mental chatter and patterns post retreat
creating rules for myself
no in-mind, made up, future convos
no rewriting the past
no thinking about boys (as avoidance strategy)
slow down
Is hope the near enemy of expectation?
Postural body:
Joining a gym, so I can shower on my upcoming road trip, only to be nervous about going (a post-dead-dad reality that perhaps deserves its own essay), so I compromise and work out on my porch at home.
Doing fluid movements with light weights to strengthen in nonlinear planes of motion
Right shoulder/arm/hand nerve pain
Outfits:
Grandpa Dean’s boots and bolo ties. We wear the same boot and hat size 🍀 My aunt made him these ties when she was in Girl Scouts.
Grief:
moments of gratitude for Daddy’s death because it’s been a catalyst
Wisdom:
Maybe that’s what positive things are when I don’t have expectations: gifts
“if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all” is not “don’t say anything mean” it’s “only say nice things”
Glad you are safely home😍. Love all that became new practices. Earl Grey and cream, forgiving self what you didn’t understand. Yes